Saturday Writing Critique #12

Another week, another critique!

I can hardly believe it’s Saturday again (although my calendar was very clear on this point!). Today I’ve picked the talented Etsy jeweler and printer Cate Holst. There is a lively sense of color and fun to her work and in her descriptions.

But some of her writing occasionally seems splashed together, and could use some clean-up and refinement.

I do want to point out that she does a great job breaking out the details into discrete, easy to read sections. By separating it out for easy browsing, Cate is able to write a relatively long description without giving readers the sense that she’s going on and on.

Let’s take a look at the whole description for a romantic and fun little print:

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Well, I don’t know about you, but my ultimate nightly dream is to lust after a gorgeous new handbag as well as all those girly essentials like lipstick, blush and jewels. What more could a girl want? Dream no more… have it all for a fraction of the cost in this stylish lipstick pink Gocco print

T H E • D E T A I L
Digitally printed background of scanned antique paper with classic words from Shakespeare’s ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ then overprinted with two runs of gocco printing • Size: 4″ x 5-3/4″ (100mm x 145mm) • ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream - Girly Essentials No2′ is the second of a series of three Girly Essentials designs • Printed on French pure white textured 100% cotton stock 240gsm, with EPSON RX650 using archival inks • Each illustration comes signed and numbered

T H E • F R A M I N G
Frame not included but easy to find…. Ikea RIBBA 5″ x 7″ frame. Gocco print fits beautifully!
For US customers: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70132525

B L O G
The Gocco process is published in my blog…wanna see it?
http://cateholst.typepad.com/aworkinprogress/2008/07/gocco-a-go-go-1.html

C O P Y R I G H T
© Copyright Cate Holst 2008. Copyright is not transferable with the sale of the item. The buyer is not entitled to reproduction rights without written permission • This Gocco print is from my original illustrations and computer generated artwork that you will not see anywhere else

P L E A S E • N O T E
There maybe some minor variations between each illustration due to its hand-printed and painted nature

S H I P P I N G
Item will be shipped within 24 hours during business days. Parcel should be delivered between 3 to 10 business days. Each print is carefully packaged in a cello bag and ships in a flat, rigid envelope

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I like that the first paragraph has some personality and color, but it needs a little clean-up. Her wording makes it sound like her ultimate dream is the act of lusting after something. I believe she means to say that her ultimate dream is owning the expensive things that she lusts after. It’s only a slightly different meaning, but it didn’t seem to read smoothly to me.

Here’s what I would do:

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I don’t know about you, but my ultimate nightly dream is a gorgeous new handbag stuffed with lust-worthy girly essentials. Lipstick, blush and jewels…What more could a girl want? Dream no more… have it all for a fraction of the cost in this stylish lipstick pink Gocco print!

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She has a similar issue in a description for a print of cute lingerie:

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I admit I’m a hopeless romantic and a romantic girl never feels more feminine in some adorable lingerie set to a backdrop of Shakespeare with the likes of Romeo and Juliet. And perhaps a glass of champagne wouldn’t go astray either! This pretty pastel Gocco print certainly sets the mood…

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I believe she means to say that she never feels more feminine than when she’s in some adorable lingerie. And does she stand in front of a set for Romeo and Juliet when she’s wearing it? No, the backdrop of the image is set against a written scene from the play. Let’s clear that up (and throw in some more punctuation):

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I admit it: I’m a hopeless romantic! And a romantic girl never feels more feminine than in some adorable lingerie, listening to the poetry of Shakespeare. A glass of champagne wouldn’t go astray, either!

This pretty pastel Gocco print certainly sets the mood, set against an antique page from Romeo and Juliet…

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If you suffer from confusing wordings, try reading them out loud. Work it until it feels natural on your tongue, and don’t be afraid to break things down into short sentences! Clarity should always be a #1 priority.

I do love how Cate writes an individualized introduction for every piece, and then copies in generic details below. This is an essential time-saving technique for anyone who regularly posts listings. If I were Cate, I might put a visual delineating line where the details start (like: ———- ) so that the readers eyes are pulled immediately to the top paragraph first.

I also *love* the fact that she includes a link to find the perfect size frame to go with the print. For people like me (who adore photographs and prints but are too lazy to search out the proper frames for them) this is a really attractive sales point.

Keep up the great work!

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Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Also check out the Writing Critique archives!

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A fashion black hole?

It’s summer. It’s time for hanging out with friends, dates and ice-cream nights.

It’s also time for me to run out of cute black tanktops every week, no matter how many I seem to have! I think I could probably have a black tanktop for every night of the week and still somehow need to be pulling them out of the hamper before wash day.

So, obviously, I need the cute little number Tangente’s selling! Maybe if I buy about five of them, I should be alright…

(Now. Off to see the new batman movie! Where’s that nice black shirt…?)

On Bollywood and Bubbles

Hello friends, I’m back in business! I had a lovely two days off, and I think I’ve got my wind back.

While you all were, I’m sure, sobbing your eyes out over the lack of posts, I did a few nice things for myself. I cooked myself two extra-special dinners (including my all-time favorite, gourmet mac and cheese from scratch), hung out with friends and caught a couple of movies. I even managed to find a terrible yet awesome Bollywood flick based on a Dostoevsky novel. Totally hilarious. (Sorry, the whole three-hour movie is not quite as soft-porn as the preview would have you believe).

I was also finally able to test some incredible bubble-bath mix I got from MoonsHarvest a while back. And let me tell, this stuff makes bubbles! I doubled the dosage on a whim (two scoops? Ha! Make it five!) and was quite literally up to my ears in lavender scented foam. Seriously, this was princess bath-time bubbles. Towers of bubbles. Make-a-hat-out-of-it-and-wear-it-on-your-head bubbles. It made my night.

One other piece of exciting news? I’m considering night classes to study digital media! I think it would help my journalism career, and it certainly would be fun to test-run new techniques on you all. I’m a little nervous to take my life in a new kind of direction, but it also could be great. I don’t know yet…will keep you updated!

Out sick

Whoops…not feelin’ great today, so I’m going to take a brief hiatus.

But if you haven’t seen yet, I do have some great new work you can check out in my shop, including new cups, serving dishes, bowls and vases! Enjoy!

And the winners are…

Huzzah! We have the official results for the 10K blog giveaway!

By random drawing, the winner of one of my new Dip Duet sets is the lucky Michele P., of Creative Writings 101!

Second place, a coupon for 20 percent off a purchase in my Etsy shop,  goes to Sharon Henry, of ManaMoon Studios! And last (but not least), Kristin of Freeforged took third place - a 10 percent discount!

Thanks to everyone who participated! This was a lot of fun, and I hope to have another giveaway soon…

Saturday Etsy Writing Critique #11

Welcome to this week’s hung-over-from-Saturday Writing Critique! (Yes, I was busy partying at a wedding yesterday and couldn’t post. It’s a hard job, but somebody’s got to do it!)

Today I’m going to be sticking with last week’s theme and zeroing in on Tessa, of Simply Tess. Tessa is another jewelry maker with lovely designs, fantastic photos and short descriptions.

Of course, short doesn’t necessarily mean minimalist. Tessa’s descriptions are nothing if not dense - packing in plenty of information per inch. Let’s take a look at her write-up for some summery pink earrings:

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a minty summer … earrings

rectangular, pale minty green glass squares mix with soft and at times pale raspberry colored cherry quartz tear drop briolettes with clear japanese glass beads with a hint of metallic sparkle.

blackened, oxidized sterling silver ear wires and components.

approximately 1 3/4″ long

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I love Tessa’s descriptive instinct. She has quite a few words that conjure up a real mental image of her piece, and that’s great. Unfortunately, almost all of them are packed tight in one lengthy sentence!

Here’s the best piece of writing advice you may ever get: Always read your work out loud. I don’t think there’s a writer at my newspaper that I haven’t seen at least once, hunched over their computer screen, mumbling the same sentence over again and again.

And when you do read out loud, check to see if there are any lines that leave you feeling out of breath. If there are, stop. You may have a run-on sentence on your hands.

In Tessa’s case, the problem is simply trying to pack in too many ideas and words all at once. Breaking it down into a few sentences will make her description so much more readable and enjoyable. I’m also going to redistribute some of the adjectives. Keep in mind that the customer has already seen a picture of the earrings (It’s worth a thousand words, remember?).

Here’s my suggestion:

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Refreshing raspberry mint - the perfect summertime treat!

These elegant earrings mix green glass squares with cherry quartz tear-drop briolettes. They are accented with clear japanese glass beads, adding a hint of metallic sparkle!

The ear wires and components are made from blackened, oxidized sterling silver.

Approximately 1 3/4″ long.

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Oh, and to come up with an idea for the first line, I did a google keyword search and came up with plenty of recipes for raspberry mint mojitos! Yum! It might even be cute to include a recipe along with the purchase…

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Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Also check out the Writing Critique archives!

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Nuptials

Oops! I have to go to a wedding today and I thought I could get the critique done before the ceremony. But no dice!

Sorry for the delay, the Writing Critique will be posted tomorrow and the winners of the dip bowl giveaway!

Have a great Saturday!!

Celestial Beauty

There’s a lot to like about this gorgeous lampwork bead by N Valentine Studio, but my favorite part is that it reminds me of the surface of Jupiter, with its storms and big red spot.

This is my chance to literally have a world on a string!

No more lonely walls

I’d say it took me a minute or two to understand exactly what Decorette was offering.

But then I realized that it was incredible, peel-away decals that could be used to decorate whole empty walls for just a few bucks. Throw in the fact that the decals are of simple, stunning nature silhouettes… Well! Let’s just say I was an instant fan!

For all your sun-worshipping needs

I say, you simply can’t have too many pieces of jewelry that make you feel like a badass Aztec queen.

Luckily, Kristria Designs has plenty to go around!