Saturday Writing Critique #6

Flip open that thesaurus, it’s Saturday Writing Critique time again!

This week I’ll be zeroing in on jewelry crafter Becca, of Mash84. Becca has some very attractive pieces, but boy, is it hard to sell jewelry on Etsy! To be a success, you need to be a cut above.

But Becca has a problem I think we can all relate to. She mentioned last week that she has a hard time praising her own work because she feels “like a used car salesman.”

Now, first, artists are in a different boat from a used car salesman (no offense to the great ones) because we love what we do, and we want to share our passion with the world.

Second, tough cookies. If you want to make a sale, you’ve got to make a pitch, like it or not. If your work doesn’t get you excited, why should a buyer be interested in it? Fake it if you have to – take a “whistle a happy tune” philosophy.

Unfortunately, you can feel Becca’s hesitance seeping into her product descriptions. Here’s one for a beautiful wire-wrapped necklace:

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This item is an elegantly wire wrapped piece. The purple stones are gemstones, I purchased it in a parcel of random stones and I am unsure what they are.

The pendant measures 1 1/2 inches long from the top loop to the dangling purple drop. It is about an inch wide. The wire is 26 gauge half-hard wire on the larger stone the smaller stone is wrapped with a higher gauge.

Please note this listing if for the pendant only. It does not come with a chain.

Please ask any questions before you purchase.

Thanks for stopping by.

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I had a professor in college who helped my writing enormously. He said, “Always make an argument.” Even when there are many other sides to an issue, pick one and make the most convincing case for it you can.

The same applies to Etsy writing. As a seller, you need to make an argument that makes your own work as attractive as possible (Don’t ever venture into lying, however! That will get you in waaaay more trouble than you want!).

In my opinion, Becca is not making the best case for her own work in her pictures (which could used to be brightened and cropped) or her writing. Obviously she put a lot of work into the piece, and that could be highlighted. She doesn’t know the type of stone, which is not ideal, but her apologetic tone is a turn-off for me. If she needs to bring it up, she could call it a “mystery stone,” or she could just let sleeping dogs lie until a customer specifically asks.

I’m just going to give her description a tiny tweaking, with an aim to reinforce the good, minimize the uncertainty and inject a bit of excitement in there. Here’s my rewrite:

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This intricate wire-wrapped pendant features a sparkling purple gemstone!

From the top loop to the elegant purple drop, this pendant measures 1 1/2 inches long and 1 inch wide (Note: It does not include the chain).

It is time-consumingly wrapped in 26 gauge half-hard wire, with a finer wire around the smaller stone.

I’d be happy to answer any questions – just contact me!

Thanks for stopping by.

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Good luck, Becca, I hope this helps!

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Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Don’t want to wait around to be picked? Click here for info on trading!

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