Saturday Critique

Okay, kiddos, break out the red pens – it’s Saturday Critique time again!

This week we’ll be attacking (I mean, offering constructive criticism to) Mind the Craft, a crafty shop that offers a little bit of everything handmade.

As a professional writer, I’m going to leave well enough alone with her great pictures and go straight after what matters to me most – the words.

Let’s have a look at her shop announcement, shall we? She’s got some great humor and personality coming through, but it could use to be sharpened up and shortened.

~~~

Thanks for stopping by! Please take a minute to browse around the shop and see all the goodies I have to offer. I’m restless and have to keep my hands busy so they don’t carry out the evil schemes rattling around in my brain; it was either world domination or that tissue cozy. As a result, I’m always adding new things to the store, most of which don’t fit neatly into a single category.

You can always tell what I’m passionate about/obsessed with at the moment– the store will be full of whatever is holding my interest, though it seems my tendency is to craft accessories of all kinds (Come for the felt appliqué pillows. Stay for my world-(in)famous paint-chip pocketbooks!). Sorry the descriptions are a little bare bones. Copy sucks.

Will be adding napkins, placemats, and other goodies soon–I know, I’ve said that before but this time I promise. X my heart, hope to craft.

~~~

MindtheCraft has got a couple of good one-liners in there. I say, put them out front and create a great lede (that’s what we in the newspaper biz call the first line of the story). She’s got several sentences that strike me as repetitive – so let’s strike them out. No need to hammer people. Also, let’s junk the apologies; making sales is about exuding confidence. When is the last time you saw a car salesman begin a pitch by apologizing to you?

Here’s my rewrite:

~~~

Come for the felt appliqué pillows. Stay for my world-(in)famous paint-chip pocketbooks!

MindtheCraft is full of whatever is holding my interest at the moment! I’m restless and have to keep my hands busy so they don’t carry out the evil schemes rattling around in my brain; it was either world domination or that tissue cozy!

Check back often – there will be more napkins, placemats, and other goodies all the time. I promise. X my heart, hope to craft.

~~~

~~~

Oh, and a note about avatars? They are an important part of your “branding” and can attract potential buyers, especially if you are hanging around in the forums. MindtheCraft has a funny little picture, but unfortunately it’s black and white and doesn’t give a sense of what she makes. Since her name doesn’t describe her product, I think she should consider using a picture of her work (like maybe the beautiful, and colorful, pocketbook at the top). An avatar is free advertising – make it work for you!

~~~

Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! Leave a comment on this blog post to be considered for next week!

~~~

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Published in: on April 26, 2008 at 3:14 pm  Comments (31)  

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31 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’d welcome any critique.

  2. I would like a critique

  3. I would love a literary review 🙂
    You can take some shots at my website too!
    Thanks,
    scarfguy

  4. I’d love to write…

    http://www.starfishbarbados.etsy.com

    Thanks!

  5. I meant I would love you to write a critique, my writing is handicapped by the toddler sitting on my lap and the cat sleeping on my keyboard!

    http://www.starfishbarbados.etsy.com

  6. I truly believe I need your help in the writing department. I’m French speaking and English is my second language. I do feel like I can go on and on without getting my point or info across. I would most welcome any help you can offer me.
    Thank-you and best regards,
    Lyse

  7. I’m scared because I know that I can’t write, but I would also love a critique. Thanks.

  8. What a great critique. I struggle at times and would love to make my shop announcement shine. I will keep checking out your weekly critiques to gleen anything I can. Thanks for sharing your expertise!

  9. Oh this is my link:
    http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5664830

  10. oops, forgot my shope url. Good thing I need to be moderated 😀

    http://www.susansheehan.etsy.com

  11. Great feature and a lovely blog! Going to check out your shop now!!

    I’d love a critique, be my guest!! ;-}

  12. I’l love a critique 🙂 writing isn’t my strong point!

  13. I’d like your opinion. Piedras.etsy.com. I s’pose I need to think about making my avatar easily recognizable as jewelry. I try to show both jewelry and me – I like a face to communicate with. But I guess I’m in the minority.

    Abigail

  14. I would LOVE some tightening up with my words. Particulary in my item descriptions. Thanks for the offer, I hope I get picked!

    Jess

    http://www.lieblingartcrafts.etsy.com

  15. I’m up for a critique! 🙂

  16. This is amazing that you’re doing this! I’d love a critique, as well:

    http://jamilary.etsy.com

    Thank you!

  17. Wow, absolutely loved what you did with her shop annoumcement. And, I liked the fact that you left her one liner in. It makes her seem more real. I am afraid to expose too much of my personality in my announcement, so, therefore, it is pretty simple. Maybe you could jazz it up some for me. Need all the help I can get. Am open to any suggestions.

    Thanks a million.

    Rosemary, Gardengatedesigns
    http://www.gardengatedesigns.etsy.com

  18. Duh.

    http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=34545

    My link. Honestly, some days!

  19. Our Creative Cafe and Creative Cafe Salesrooms don’t need a critque! We need YOU to join us NOW.

    You can buy and sell art and handmade crafts in our Salesrooms. Listings are FREE.

    As a member you can design your own webpage, add photos which may be picked to go in the Spotlight, write blogs which may be selected for Blog of the Week, start and join groups and discussions, upload music and videos, make new friends.

    Creative Cafe is a charitable group run by volunteers which supports people with disabilities. We are friendly and welcome new members. Join Us!

    Jill
    Creative Cafe
    http://creativecafe.org.uk
    Creative Cafe Salesrooms
    http://creativecafesalesrooms.com

  20. Oh, Please! I love to create, can’t write. I would love you to attack my site with everything you have! Marketing is so difficult for me.

  21. W00T! Thank you for taking the time to critique my site. You gave great advice. I don’t relish writing so your suggestions really help.

    -MTC

  22. Another great critique! You are providing such a valuable service, I hope you don’t get overwhelmed. I see that MTC has already taken your advice. Her shop looks great and your announcement rewrite is just perfect. Her new atavar is more characterful, but still black & white.
    I love the bird napkins that are reserved, really cool!

  23. Enjoy.

  24. I would love a critique. I’m always second guessing my writing.

  25. I’d love a critique!

  26. Oh wow, now this is a critique that is very helpful! If I’m lucky enough, I’d love for you to come help me too.

  27. Wow, I love what you did with her announcement! And I just checked her shop, she took your advice… she has a really great shop too.

    I’d love to be considered for a critique. My mom is a really good writer, unfortunately I didn’t get THAT gene, lol.

    Toni
    http://WildDogStudio.etsy.com

  28. I feel that I really need help with my wording. I would love to have a critique.

  29. Thanks Amy! I would love a critique please!

  30. I’d love a critique on my writing! Thank you for doing this! 🙂

  31. I’m up for a trim to the announcement. Love your crits!


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