Saturday Critique

Dust off that dictionary, it’s Saturday Writing Critique time again!

Today JeweledBlossoms is going to be under the microscope. It’s clear that she’s not lying when she says on her profile that she’s “a romantic at heart.” Her descriptions are sweet, personal and have a style all of their own – just like her simple, beautiful jewelry.

In fact, Jeweled does a great job of expressing her own writing “voice.” But I must admit, as a newspaper writer, I balk at the length of her descriptions. Can she keep her voice but stay concise? I think it can be done. Here’s an example of one of her (shortest) descriptions:

~~~

Oh to walk hand-in-hand, fingertips brushing against each other with shy smiles and hesitant glances. The glorious rush of anticipation and little leaps of the heart as fingertips enfold one another, palms press against the other, as they stroll down the path, wandering aimlessly beneath the sunshine, no destination in mind.

The Simple Pleasures Cuff reminds me of the simplicity and thrill that resides in something as small as holding a loved one’s hand. Curved and shaped with tender care from sterling silver, each tear drop shape bound together by a small closely wrapped bundle of sterling silver, like fingers interwoven. Swirls adorn the ends of the bracelet.

This Simple Pleasures Cuff fits a wrist of 6.5-7″ and can be created for you at any size. Please specify the length of the bracelet you would like. The last picture features the bracelet with matching earrings which can be purchased separately.

~~~

The bracelet she’s describing is so simple and elegant, let’s see if we can get a description to match. I’m going to take it line by line and try to cut everything but the essentials. Think of it like a sketch rather than a painting, since we’re trying trying to capture attention with just a few words.

I’m especially going to cut down the second paragraph – she already drew connections between the hand-holding and the jewelery in the first paragraph, no need to beat the horse.

Oh, and don’t forget that comma after “Oh.” Here’s my rewrite:

~~~

Oh, to walk hand-in-hand, with fingertips brushing! Strolling aimlessly, exchanging shy smiles and hesitant glances. Hearts leap as palms press together, wandering aimlessly beneath the sunshine.

For me, the Simple Pleasures Cuff captures that thrill. Shaped with tender care from sterling silver, it’s like lovers’ interwoven fingers. Swirls adorn each end.

This cuff fits a wrist of 6.5-7″ and can be created for any size. Please specify the length of the bracelet you would like. The last picture features the bracelet with matching earrings, which can be purchased separately.

~~~

Do you want to get some fun examples of this sort of sales writing? Check out the descriptions in the J. Peterman Catalog. (I would even edit him down a bit, but hey, there’s no accounting for taste.)

~~~

Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! Leave a comment on this blog post to be considered for next week!

Don’t want to wait around to be picked? Click here for info on trading!

~~~

Advertisements
Published in: on May 10, 2008 at 8:24 pm  Comments (11)  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://inthenightkitchen.wordpress.com/2008/05/10/saturday-critique-5/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

11 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m commenting to be considered for next week’s critique. 🙂

  2. Me too! Plus I want to tell you your ceramic ware is gorgeous!

    I know my pendant descriptions are tooooooo long. Please help me edit them down! I need your merciful red pen!

  3. Where I might have trimmed down the description even more . It’s fortunate that there are no rights or wrongs in this.

  4. I’d love to be critiqued. I’m an English teacher and am helping others revise all the time. I’d like to have the tables be turned!

  5. Would love to be critiqued. So kind of you to offer.

  6. Hi Amy, I read your weekly critiques and admire your talent! Here’s my dilemma… I primarily make my wire wrapped bracelets & key holders. I created the concept and each one is an original work of art. I either use a generic description which looses the uniqueness of the piece or I break it down bead by bead, which no one wants to read. Can you help? ~Sharon
    My Etsy shop is: http://manamoon.etsy.com

  7. Great clean-up. Man I want her bracelet now! Glad to hear J Peterman is back in business. I was crushed when the catalog quit comming…. now to save up a year’s wages and buy something. OK, ten year’s wages! perhaps they’re trying to fill the space on the page and have to pad their descriptions?

    Would love a crit. as I’m trying to keep it short but have something more interesting to say than “I make devotionals” and “Saint So-and-so.”

  8. Sticking my name in there for a possible writing critique next week 🙂

  9. What a great review. My etsy shop link is at the top of my blog, right column, if you have any spare time!

  10. Thanks a million for the review! I know my descriptions get lengthy… I’ll keep your edits in mind. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: