Saturday Writing Critique #5

Sharpen your quills, it’s Saturday Writing Critique time again!

This week we’re stopping to smell an Irish Rose…or, at least, to look at the writing of an Irish rose-crocheter! Rena, of LilyCobWeb, takes a sculptural approach to crocheting. Some of us might think “grandma” when we think crochet, but I find her flower chokers cute and, dare I say, indie-hip?

But to actually sell them, Rena is going to need to distinguish herself. Awesome pictures are essential, but good product descriptions can also be key to keeping customers engaged and browsing. Unfortunately, I have to admit that Rena’s description, though information packed, had my eyes glazing after the first line or two. Let’s have a look:

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This is a crocheted choker with a pretty flower as its focal point. It combines leather, yarn, thread, and swarovski crystals in a romantic creation to adorn your neck. It is made all in one piece, starting with the flower and has no seams. It has a tiny front-closing magnetic clasp, cleverly hidden behind the flower. It is really easy to put on and easy to wear. The topmost two beads are sewn onto the neckpiece and fasten on to the flower like buttons. You can use them to adjust the position of the flower, even though it is quite secure without them. This choker is made in brown leather thonging, sunny yellow cotton yarn and creamy yellow thread. Each petal has a tiny bronze swarovski bicone bead sewn to it. It will fit an average size neck. I can also make one for you in a colourway of your choice.

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Now, I’ve noticed that some visual artists seem to forget about the visual impact of their writing. Think about it: If I showed you a short, concise line and a long, dense paragraph, what would you read first? Many eyes will simply skip over a big block of writing.

You don’t need to be Hemingway here – just use line breaks! It’s a fast, cheap trick and lets buyers eyes scan for exactly that piece of info they need.

Here’s another trick to stay concise: Scan your writing for independent clauses that can be condensed into a strategically placed single-word description. So, “It is made all in one piece, starting with the flower and has no seams” becomes, “It is made in one seamless piece, beginning with the flower.”

This idea is especially vital for me, as a reporter, when I need to write information-packed news articles! And, as always, identify non-essential words and delete, delete, delete.

Rena might also want to consider ways to hone her lede.

Here’s my rewrite:

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Stand out from the crowd with a romantic crocheted flower choker.

Combining leather, yarn, thread, and swarovski crystals, this seamless creation was made all in one piece, beginning with the flower.

With a hidden front-closing magnetic clasp, it is easy to put on and wear. The topmost beads fasten like buttons and can be used to adjust the position of the flower. Each petal has a tiny bronze swarovski bicone bead sewn to it.

It will fit an average size neck, and the colors can be customized!

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Hope this helps! Many happy sales to Rena!

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Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

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