Saturday Writing Critique #8

Quick, hide the split infinitives! There’s a Writing Critique on the loose!

Yes, it’s that time again, and today Abigail, of Piedras del Cardenal, is in our sights. She’s another fabulous jewelry maker with plenty of hip chainmaille pieces to browse.

But Abigail’s descriptions give me the perfect opportunity to discuss something that plagues Etsy writing: Technical terms.

Here’s the very first sentence of Abigail’s description for a pair of eye-grabbing loop earrings – please raise your hand if you see a word you don’t know:

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Four blue anodized aluminum circles are linked with the smallest possible doubled links of golden yellow aluminum, and hung on hypoallergenic anodized niobium hooks.

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Uh, are your hands raised? Mine are. Let’s look at the whole thing:

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Four blue anodized aluminum circles are linked with the smallest possible doubled links of golden yellow aluminum, and hung on hypoallergenic anodized niobium hooks. These have a retro feel to them; though the color is all wrong, they remind me of the famous Nelson Marshmallow Sofa of the fifties.

The niobium wires are safe for virtually everyone, sensitive skin or not, and the earrings weigh practically nothing. They are good for wearing for long days, or for a young girl who wants something dangly and stylish. The total length is 2-1/8 inches (55 mm).

The niobium wire color is not as different from the aluminum as it appears in some of the images, though the anodizing on the two metals is different. The aluminum is royal blue with a bit of a peacock-blue tint, and the niobium is steel blue, not violet as in some shots. (That pink workbox top was reflecting upward and affecting the shades, I think.)

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Whew! I understand that Abigail is trying to give the educated buyer vital info. But it’s leaving the rest of us out in the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, technical terms are fine in descriptions. But they require at least one or two well-chosen words of introduction. (Oh, and jewelers? This includes “swarovski crystals”! It took weeks of hanging around the Etsy forums before I had a clue what those are!).

Now, there’s plenty of info in Abigail’s description that would make an attractive “lede.” Let’s get that stuff out front. In the newspaper biz, we always put the most interesting and important information at the beginning of the story, and pack the end with details that only the most intrepid readers want to know. For Abigail, technical terms should go after the first sentence (with brief definitions, please!) for more discerning buyers.

Here’s my rewrite (with some help from Wikipedia):

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These feather-light blue earrings have a hot retro feel! The interlocking hoops remind me of the famous 1950’s Nelson Marshmallow Sofa.

These are perfect for super-sensitive ears because the hoops are made from a non-irritating, hypoallergenic metal called niobium.

Dangling at just over 2 inches (55 mm), each earring is comprised of linked peacock-blue and gold aluminum hoops.

Perfect for that long day at the office!

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You may notice that I left out a LOT, including nearly the entire last paragraph. Personally, I think if a buyer is really concerned about anodizing, they’ll ask directly. Also, we don’t need the explanation of the different colors against different backgrounds – I think the pictures are clear.

Please do think about buyers who may know absolutely nada about your craft. A well-placed word of explanation can invite, teach and excite!

I hope this helps, Abigail! Happy sales!

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Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

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