Etsy Writing Critique #18

Ahhhh, I love the smell of fresh Writing Critique in the morning!

This week’s volunteer is a regular visitor to my blog and a wonderful painter. Mary, of BrushItOn, creates quiet, peaceful scenes, mostly painted on glass.

I particularly like her painting of a single flower in a vase. But her description for it feels lackluster.

Let’s take a look:

~~~

Quiet Bloom is a watercolor that measures 10″ x 13-1/2″ and in a frame measuring 17″ x 21″. The matting picks up the wonderful blue reflected in the vase. I like the simplicity and feel of movement on the vase, but quietness of the water.

This original piece of art is copyrighted and protected by law. Please do not violate my rights. If you are interested in using my painted image, please contact me for permission and pricing.

Enjoy!!

~~~

Here’s my concern. When I glance at a description and the first thing my eye hits is a measurement, I don’t bother reading any further. I figure, all that’s there is the rundown on product details, and I don’t need to read it if I’m not going to buy it.

That’s not terrible, really, and Mary’s description gets the job done. But I believe that if you leave it at that, you’ve given up an additional opportunity to sell your product. The description space is there, and a buyer is most likely going to look at it, at least briefly. So let’s take that time to remind them why they might want to buy.

In this case, it might not hurt to remind them of that empty wall, in need of a little color. Or that guest bedroom, waiting for something to pull it all together. What about a gift, for a friend who needs a little quiet and peace in their life?

That means a little bit of rearranging, and writing an opening line (what journalists call “the lede”) that targets the feeling we’re aiming for.

Let’s see if I can come up with something:

~~~

When do we ever have time to pause and enjoy a moment of quiet and stillness?

Remind yourself of simplicity and beauty with this peaceful matted watercolor.

Quiet Bloom measures 10″ x 13-1/2″ in a frame measuring 17″ x 21″. The matting picks up the wonderful blue reflected in the vase.

This original piece of art is copyrighted and protected by law. Please do not violate my rights. If you are interested in using my painted image, please contact me for permission and pricing.

Enjoy!!

~~~

When I try to write a lede for a product description, my best source is the piece itself. I always return to the picture and look at it for a minute, trying to think about what strikes me, my immediate first impressions. Then I hope that another person looking at it will have a similar feeling – a feeling I can reinforce in the description, and encourage them to take the next step.

Remember that writing is no substitute for a great product or catchy photo, but it is an opportunity for you to connect to a buyer in a more intimate, personal way. So take a moment and try to share what your piece really means to you.

Many thanks to Mary and happy sales!

~~~

Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Also check out the Writing Critique archives! (There has been some technical trouble loading more recent critiques, but all the older ones are there!!)

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13 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I definitely have trouble ‘selling’ my items.
    Thanks for the great tips.

  2. “there’s a mouse in my pants!”
    Heeheehee…

    I’m definitely concerned about confusion in my descriptions since I offer customized dog & cat toys.

    Any help you can offer would be AMAZING!

    P.S. One of my favorite hobbies is freehand pottery. Just wish I had a kiln and the time!
    Kim

  3. Amy, I have nominated you to receive the ‘Brillante Weblog’ award. For your writing style and helpfulness, I enjoy your blog and the service you offer. Thanks.
    For further details, visit my blog @:
    http://wwwnewdaycrochet.blogspot.com

    Sherryl

  4. Thank You Dear Sweet Amy!!! I am honored and grateful for your input. You are so right. I paint from my heart and then leave my feelings on the floor when I write my descriptions. There are some rewrites in my immediate future!!!

    Many thanks and hugs. Oh yes, wonderful review choice…hee,hee,hee.

  5. Wow, you have some great information! I have bookmarked you and will check back often. If you need a volunteer, I’m a brand spankin’ new Etsian and I’d love to hear your critique of my delivery.

  6. Great points and rewrite, Amy! And a wonderful picture from Mary.

    I’d love any additional pointers if you have them!

  7. I’d love to have some help making my descriptions a but leaner!

  8. I love your critiques! I’m would love your help with my “Custom Superhero Cape” listing.

    http://www.panjo.etsy.com

  9. I’d love for you to critique any of my descriptions…I know they’re not my strongest point. Thanks for posting the ones you’ve done already, they’ve been helpful!

    -Rebecca
    Get Wired Designs, handmade wrapped wire jewelry
    http://GetWiredDesigns.etsy.com

  10. Ok, so this has nothing to do with your critique which was fabulous as always! I’m sure you never do these awards that cycle through blogger land but I was bestowed one and just had to name you as a recipient as well. Your blog is awesome and you know it’s in my nightly routine of reading. So, regardless of whether you pass it on or post it, I just wanted you to have it.

    You can visit my blog to view the award when you have the time. All the best ~ Sharon

  11. Great critique -as always! That’s a nice painting and the new description goes a long way in making it sound even better!
    I’m still waiting on my first sale -any pointers you can offer would be greatly appreciated!

  12. Hi, just commented on the last post and then read I should request a description critique of my etsy site on this post. Thank you!

  13. Another great re-write! Thanks!


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