Writing Critique #20

Tonight’s special will be a whole-fried Writing Critique served on a bed of humor, with a side of cheesy metaphors…

Yup! I’m back with another Writing Critique today, and our brave volunteer is Julia, of Materialised. Her bright, colorful felted brooches are snazzy and jazzy, but her descriptions don’t quite capture it for me. I would love to see her descriptions match her pieces: Snappy and fun.

Here’s her listing for a knock-out flower pin:

~~~

If your searching for something different and fun – this cute handmade Flower brooch might be perfect for you.

It was designed for the young ,or even the young at heart and is 100% hand made by myself.

It’s part of a series of needle-felted and embellished brooches I’ve been working on.Each one slightly different and unique.
The brooch is made from wool fibre and a mix of fabrics ,which are fused together with the help of a needle felting machine.It has a wonderful textured surface.

I embellished it with beads,sequins and buttons – all sewn on by hand to make this a truly beautiful and unique piece.

There’s a gold coloured metal fastener on the reverse so you can become firmly attached to it!

Measurements
4 and a quarter by 3 and a half inches (approx)
(9cm x 5cm)

Please contact me if you would like to know anything else about this item.I’m happy to help!

~~~

First off – “might” be perfect for me? Oh, it is, Julia, it is. Let’s take out the hesitancy.

Second, this description is just too long. It’s not that there is any information that Julia should get rid of, but I think it could be slimmed down by condensing and cutting. Especially look for phrases that take up space, like “100% handmade by me,” that could be reduced to a simple “handmade.”

Third, the adjectives. Different, fun, cute, different, unique, wonderful, beautiful, unique. That could pretty much describe any handmade item on Etsy, so let’s hunt out some words that really show it off. I have a particular ax to grind with the word “unique.” Try describing something that really is unique about the piece – it will get so much more across then just using the word (imagine you spent an entire date just telling the other person, over and over again, how “interesting” you are, without demonstrating it. Sooner or later they’re going to think you’re actually pretty boring.)

Now, obviously, you can start this description with some straight-ahead info, but for the sake of fun I’m going to open it with the way this brooch makes me feel.

And with that, here comes the re-write:

~~~

Jump out of bed and greet the sun – another beautiful morning!

Bring a little sunny-time thrill into your life with this bright felted brooch.

Part of a series of handmade, needle-felted brooches, each one is a dazzling expression of colour, texture and mood.

This brooch is crafted from wool fibre and a mix of fabrics, fused together with the help of a needle felting machine, and then embellished with beads, sequins and buttons. There’s a gold coloured metal fastener on the reverse so you can become firmly attached to it!

Measurements
4 and a quarter by 3 and a half inches (approx)
(9cm x 5cm)

Please contact me if you would like to know anything else about this item. I’m happy to help!
~~~

Oh, and some of the spellings might seem funny to us North Americans, but Julia is from across the pond!

I hope that helps and much good luck to her and happy sales!

~~~

Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Also check out the Writing Critique archives! (There has been some technical trouble loading more recent critiques, but all the older ones are there!!)

~~~

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Published in: on September 21, 2008 at 9:55 pm  Comments (10)  

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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. As usual, a nicely done article that always seems to help me with our descriptions. Thanks for helping all of us non-writers out!

  2. Thanks again. Great job!

  3. Very snappy! A quick and fun description read.

  4. That little brooch just went from very nice to GOTTA HAVE IT!!!!

    Another brilliant rewrite….Amy, You Rock!!

    Mary of Brush it On

  5. Wonderful! And what a gorgeous piece. I’d love to be considered for your help some Saturday. Especially my custom listing: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=13640002

  6. Wow! That was probably the biggest leap forward after a re-write that I’ve seen you do. Julia definitely got a bonus verb or two! Now to go look at what else she sells.

  7. Oh, Amy… you didn’t say she’s in Edinburgh! Julia gets to make art in Paradise and now I know where to get pressies for my friends over there.

  8. Love this post – really helpful for us sellers. Your blog is also great, I love really like your layout and clean look. Great job!

  9. Hehe…hesitant;you got me right there!
    Amy, what can I say…That’s great advice.I particularly like-

    each one is a dazzling expression of colour, texture and mood.

    Very soon I’ll set a day aside to jazz up all my other listings.
    Many thanks,
    Julia

  10. I love how you start the description with how the item makes you feel. It gives the item so much life!


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