Writing Critique #21

Get that Tylenol Sinus handy, I’m still under the weather, but I’m going to attempt a short writing critique anyways!

Today we’re going to pick apart the description for a luxurious set of pearl earrings, created by Judy at Judy Evans Collection. The earrings are titled “Delma J,” and I’m going to get to that in a moment.

I actually like Judy’s “lede,” the opening sentence of her description, which is what I usually pick on. But after a great opening, Judy’s writing threw me for a little loop.

Check it out:

~~~

Freshwater pearls gently dangle on a sterling silver chain to create a beautiful set of earrings.

Del is another YaYa Sister that I’ve know forever. We love getting together to share the latest developments in our lives. If I miss an episode of Army Wives or Desparate Housewives I depend on Delma to catch me up, we talk about the characters as if we know them!

**This is one of a kind handmade earrings; no one else will have one like it! Unless I have a special order (such as a bridal party) I will never duplicate my jewelry. It is my policy to give all my customers a one and only original!

~~~

Did you notice what I noticed?

When I got about halfway through this description, I was scratching my head. Who, or what, is Delma? Does Judy bond with these earrings over cable shows? I mean, they are nice, but not replace-my-friends nice!

Of course, I looked at her shop announcement and found my answer. “I strongly believe in the value of family and friends,” Judy writes. “Many of my pieces are named for ladies who have touched my heart.”

Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but I almost always skip the shop announcement and go straight for the goods. Then, if I like a piece, I’ll look at the description for more info. So I think that anything in the announcement that’s vital to understanding what a seller is talking about, should be repeated (briefly, of course.)

I would like this description even more if Judy put in a sentence connecting the meaning of her friendship with Del to the earrings themselves. The friend is obviously special, how is that captured and expressed in her design? I leave that to Judy to add to the rewrite.

Oh, and in that last sentence, “earrings” are plural, so let’s clean up the grammar a little bit.

So with just a few little adjustments:

~~~

Freshwater pearls dangle gently from a sterling silver chain to create a luxurious set of earrings.

This design is named after my dear friend, Del, another YaYa Sister that I’ve known forever. We love getting together to share the latest developments in our lives. If I miss an episode of Army Wives or Desparate Housewives I depend on Delma to catch me up. We talk about the characters as if we know them!

**These are one-of-a-kind handmade earrings; no one else will have any like them! It is my policy to never duplicate a design, unless it is for a special order (such as a bridal party), so each customer receives a complete original!

~~~

Interested in a critique focusing on language and writing? You’ve come to the right place! You must leave a comment on THIS blog post to be considered for next week! (Even if you have volunteered on a previous week!)

Also check out the Writing Critique archives! (There has been some technical trouble loading more recent critiques, but all the older ones are there!!)

~~~

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Published in: on October 8, 2008 at 8:59 pm  Comments (13)  

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13 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Nice work! Beautiful earrings, too. 🙂 I’d love a writing critique!

    http://www.panjo.etsy.com

  2. I’m confused about the “friend I’ve know forever.” Shouldn’t it have been changed to “known?” Or is this some sort of Ya Ya sisterhood dialect?

  3. I really enjoy these!
    Here’s a listing that definitely needs a re-write 🙂
    http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=15842131

  4. Gorgeous earrings! I have learned a lot from these critiques. Our listings definitely need some help. Feel free to pick us any week!

  5. Thanks for connecting the dots…I too was confused (and normally I’m the ONLY one that is).

    Now the description puts that special spin on very lovely earrings. Beautiful!!

    Mary of Brush It On

  6. I was thinking it should be ‘known’ too.

    Thanks for doing the critique even though you still aren’t feeling 100%.
    I really look forward to these posts.

  7. Good catch, guys, on “known.” I’ve changed it!

  8. Great work! I was a bit lost there too. I’d love a critique too, http://avonleadesign.etsy.com

  9. wow! great blog! i’d love a critique if you get a chance…

    http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=15878069

  10. I’d love a critique. My shop is pretty new and I’m not sure if I’ve gone too far with the personal or corny. Since I don’t have many customers, its kinda like talking to myself.

    http://www.mamafamilias.etys.com

  11. wow – you make those little tweaks work so well – I love reading your critiques!
    Please feel free to pick anything in my shop anytime!

  12. I can make great slippers but ooohhhh how i struggle with crafting the descriptions.
    Would love your help, I love the blog – i’m inspired!
    Thanks, Tracey

  13. WOW – I just ran across your post and I really enjoyed your critique, thank you. It’s always great to have fresh eyes see what I don’t. I obviously didn’t catch the know/known and your suggestion about how jewelry is named is totally on the mark. Correcting that on my listings is at the top of my ToDo list.

    If you don’t mind I’ll change the bottom paragraph on all my products – **These are one-of-a-kind handmade…..”

    Thanks so much, I wish I’d seen your post earlier. I’m definitely subscribing to your blog!
    Judy Evans


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